Diary of a Mad (Ex) Wienie Woman

MIRRORS, Always have within the distance of at least one good long gander a day — a full-length mirror. This has nothing to do with vanity. Stairs, it’s best to have at least one flight of stairs in your house, if you can work it out. And have at least your bedroom or a needed bathroom some room you must go to a few times a day up those stairs. NO, and I mean absolutely NO One-Size-Fits-All gowns, I don’t care how good and free they feel, okay you may have ONE, but only one at a time, if you get a second, the first has to GO, no ifs, ands, nor buts~ Same with stretchy pants. Stretchy pants, such as sweats or knits or any pants that are non-constricting, and completely comfortable and never get uncomfortable no matter how much you’ve eaten. If you wear them, wear them ONLY for exercise, ONLY during the exercise, EXERCISE while you’re wearing them, and remove them immediately after exercising is done. These things, or the lack thereof are what have ruined my life. They’ve made me the wre...

It’s not as if I feel that what I have to say is important, or even interesting to anyone else. But it’s interesting to me. And could conceivably then, be interesting to someone who cared for me. I’m not always terribly interested in listening to a litany of recent purchases of individual types of seeds or canning implements made during the last visit F— has made to Rural King, but since it’s important to him, I stop what I’m doing, and listen to him, I give him my attention, maintain eye contact for the duration. There are other things I’d prefer to give my attention to, but I love him, so I give him my attention for the few moments it takes for him to share this with me.   Do I want to go and witness the dirt he’s recently tilled in the yard where he’s making a garden? Not really, I mean, it’s dirt. It’s pretty late in the season to begin a garden, it’s mid-May now. He’s just now beginning to till and buy seeds. But I get up and go and admire his tillage verbally, with smiles and...

Every morning it’s far too early to call Mom, I miss her and I want to call her, but I’ve been up all night and I can’t call her and wake her so early. I won’t awaken until well afternoon most likely, and I won’t think to call until later, probably not until F--- is off work, then I’ll be distracted by his getting off work, supper, etc. Waiting for him to go to bed, settling in all while being constantly distracted, recalling much too late that I’ve still not called her. I really do miss her, I WANT   to call my Mom!

I dreamed I had somehow time-traveled back to 1980 I was determined to find my younger self and warn her not to make the bad choices in life that I’d made, not to screw up her life the way that I had. Little kittens were constantly bothering me, running around my feet, jumping on me, snagging my clothes.   Eventually, I discovered I was a witch, and I had powers, but they were weak. I knew I could fly, but had only been able to hover a few feet above ground. In order to become more powerful, I needed a familiar… The kittens knew. Shadow crawled up and eyed me, we both knew, he was my familiar.   That’s when I woke up. My life remains unchanged, thank God I still have my K——!

I shopped WEIRD today. I don’t mean odd… or merely differently. I shopped OFF THE FUCKIN’ HOOK today. I don’t even know how to explain it.   My daughter was with me. She didn’t say anything to me. She just went along with it. She’s so kind. Maybe more later on this. Maybe not.

Notes for my new incarnation, if reincarnation is a thing. #1. Have stairs in any dwelling. #2. No stretchy pants! #3. Have full-length mirrors at home! I’ve known about the stairs and the stretchy pants now for many years, but the lack of full length mirrors really sort of snuck up on me. I honestly didn’t realize just how grotesque I could get if I was allowed to live without witnessing what I was doing to myself.

April 30 8:40 pm or there about... There are men who can discern the difference between a woman being disinterested in sex and that same woman being in almost desperate need of sexual release. Beyond that, there are men who have the capacity to disarm and dismantle the many layers of barriers and then love that woman the way she needs to be loved. The trouble with all that is, the men with the tools necessary to get past those barriers are generally players. The good men who want to love that woman the way she needs to be loved, but who may lack the capacity, also lack the tools to get there.   An Impasse — But this is the real answer to why women love the Bad Boys. It all comes down to who knows how to really push their buttons right. Not that there aren’t good men who can be bad boys where it counts. We’re almost in the realm of fairy tales here. And I KNOW this. But these barriers I’ve erected over this lifetime, they are constructed with careful craftsmanship and dedication ove...

Allowing myself to feel emotions. You want me to allow myself to FEEL what I’ve been avoiding. I think this is it, and I think it’s gonna take a LONG time to really feel all of it, it feels like a MOUNTAIN and a really, REALLY big mountain at that. I think I’m somewhere, under that mountain, maybe. The primary emotion I feel, or would feel, providing I’d allow myself to experience it fully, is despondency. Is despondency even an emotion? It’s 9 past 3, Saturday night before Easter Sunday. I’m sleepy, so sleepy I was falling asleep binge watching Dark Shadows. Still not willing to go to bed, I started puttering around online. Facebook mostly. You know how it is, you get on and one thing leads to another and another and next thing you know, it’s four hours later, at least that’s how it is for me. I sit here, in pain, really in quite a lot of pain, and I would love it if I could go lay down in bed and get comfortable and get some relief. I can’t do that though, because the bed is even wor...

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Do you not know, Asclepius, that Egypt is an image of heaven, or, to speak more exactly, in Egypt all the operations of the powers which rule and work in heaven have been transferred to earth below? Nay, it should rather be said that the whole  Kosmos  dwells in this our land as in its sanctuary. And yet, since it is fitting that wise men should have knowledge of all events before they come to pass, you must not be left in ignorance of this: there will come a time when it will be seen that in vain have the Egyptians honored the deity with heartfelt piety and assiduous service; and all our holy worship will be found bootless and ineffectual.                                                       ...

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